Truth & Beauty: St. Augustine on Confessing the Essence of his Sin

Augustine and his friends called themselves the “Overturners” or the “Destructors.” They were wild high school aged boys that so loved getting into trouble. I can relate. Here, in this section, he remembers a time when the Destructors stole pears from a vineyard and threw them away to some hogs. He presses to the “why” behind the “what” of his sin.

There was a pear tree close to our own vineyard, heavily laden with fruit, which was not tempting either for its color or for its flavor. Late one night—having prolonged our games in the streets until then, as our bad habit was—a group of young scoundrels, and I among them, went to shake and rob this tree. We carried off a huge load of pears, not to eat ourselves, but to dump out to the hogs, after barely tasting some of them ourselves. Doing this pleased us all the more because it was forbidden. Such was my heart, O God, such was my heart—which thou didst pity even in that bottomless pit. Behold, now let my heart confess to thee what it was seeking there, when I was being gratuitously wanton, having no inducement to evil but the evil itself. It was foul, and I loved it. I loved my own undoing. I loved my error—not that for which I erred but the error itself. A depraved soul, falling away from security in thee to destruction in itself, seeking nothing from the shameful deed but shame itself.
— St. Augustine, Confessions, Book Two, ch. 4.9